


Trolling Joker

by sparkly_butthole



Series: The Future Is Ours [4]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: But Mostly Smut, Dom/sub, Exhibitionism, M/M, Some Fluff, Voyeurism, dom!John Shepard, shepard's a little shit, sub!Kaidan Alenko
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-21
Updated: 2017-03-21
Packaged: 2018-10-09 01:15:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10400451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparkly_butthole/pseuds/sparkly_butthole
Summary: John is an exhibitionist. Kaidan secretly enjoys John's shenanigans. Joker learns some things.





	

1 **.**

          “Hey, hon.” Kaidan leaned over and kissed John’s cheek as he sat down. It was poker night in the port observation lounge. Both men were surprised Vega hadn’t shown up yet- he was usually rearing to go. It was just the two of them so far, along with Joker. And Shepard loved to troll Joker, so Kaidan figured his partner was about to get them into trouble. He only hoped Vega would be here soon.

          “Hey, love,” John whispered back, and then moved to intercept the next kiss on his lips.

          “Oh, yuck! You guys are calling each other ‘love’ and ‘honey’ now?! So what’s next, kids? Which one of you is the dad and which is the mom? Oh you know what, never mind… it probably means shit I’m better off not knowing.”

          Shepard got that mischievous grin, the one he saved for giving Kaidan hell, and Kaidan groaned when he saw it. Couldn’t he wait thirty goddamn seconds? “Well, since you’re asking…”

          “… John, no…”

          “… Kaidan is _definitely_ the mother.”

          Joker sighed. Yep, way more information than he wanted.

 

2.

          “And then- can you believe this?- the guy turns to me and says, ‘Wait, how come you never told us you could fly like this?’ What the heck man, I did tell you, asshole! Anyway, this turian bastard really backed me and, well, I got the ship instead of getting in trouble. Damn, now I feel kinda bad about making so much fun of turians. But of course he thought I was that amazing. Because I am that amazing. That’s why I stole the ship to begin with.”

          “… wow. I did not know that. They must’ve covered it all up. And threatened you with something. I mean if they hadn’t, you’d have been blabbing about it the moment I met you. Did you know all that, Shepard?”

          “Well, yeah, I had everyone’s dossier, you know. And I actually do my job by the books, unlike some people around here.” Shepard sent a half-hearted glare in Joker’s direction.

          “Ha! That’s rich coming from you, the new king of fraternization!”

          “Hey! I’m a Spectre. He’s a Spectre. It doesn’t count. Plus we’re technically of equal rank.” Shepard pouted, and Kaidan laughed.

          “It’s the end of the galaxy. No one’s gonna care, John.”

          “K, I’m pretty sure you underestimate how spiteful people can be. We’ll save their asses, get married, and then be court-martialed for fraternization anyway.”

          “You kidding me? You’d quit the Alliance before that happened. Hell, I probably would too. What do you owe them anyway, after what they did to you? Not believing you, putting you in lockdown for six goddamn months? Until the Reapers attacked, and then they begged you to help.”

          “To be fair, I did work with a known terrorist organization, associated with dangerous people in the Terminus systems… and then blew up an entire star system. That kind of thing is… usually frowned upon.” Clearly, Kaidan had forgotten about his own suspicions. At this point, it was amusing to see him so prickly about the lockdown. Shepard was glad these reminders of their falling out didn’t hurt any longer.

          He glanced at Kaidan, taking in the view. The jet black hair that he loved to run his fingers through when they cuddled or grab when they were fucking. The adorable little dimple in his chin, the full lips, the strong, masculine jawline. The eyes, so full of love, that could change from whiskey to honey to hazelnut and back again in a blink. And especially that smile, soft and secretive. He was pretty sure that if Javik had been out to dinner with them, some comment about pheromones would have come from his mouth accompanied by his infamous sneer.

          Joker began to talk about his own experiences with Cerberus, and how he couldn’t really say he regretted anything considering how it turned out, but Kaidan could feel John’s eyes and began getting flustered. Unable to concentrate on Joker’s voice, he glanced sidelong at the Commander, who had _that_ look on his face.

          _No, John. Please, not here._

          But nothing would stop Shepard when he was in this kind of mood.

          Joker eventually noticed the conversation was going nowhere. “Uh, guys?”

          Kaidan rubbed at his temples. “Sorry, Joker, feeling a headache coming on.”

          “Yeah,” John said in mock sympathy. “He probably needs to lie down.”

          “Well, in case you hadn’t noticed, we’re on an afternoon cruise ship at the far end of the wards, so uh, you might have to get creative.”

          “Oh, I can get creative, all right,” replied Shepard as he licked his lips.

          “Um, well let me go get the waiter and see if they’ll have our food soon, and then maybe they can find you a quiet corner. It’s a big ship after all. And I doubt it’s full. I mean we are in the middle of a war. Wow, we’re shitty, huh? On a cruise. When people are dying.”

          “… when we’re on the front lines the rest of the time. Sure. No one ever needs a break, Joker,” Shepard said, exasperated.

          “Uh, yeah. Let me just go get someone.”

          “Sure, Joker, that’d be great.” Kaidan smiled at him until he turned around and walked away. Then he glared at his partner.

          “John, whatever you’re planning-“

          “Oh? I’m not planning anything, Kaidan. Why would you say that?” He tried to pout again but couldn’t hide the playful tone.

          Kaidan knew there was no point to arguing. “Just get it over with, will you?”

          “Jeez, K. I thought maybe you enjoyed it when I touched you. I’ll stop if you really want me to… but you know that means I won’t touch you later, either.” He lowered his voice and leaned in. “But you’ll be touching me. Serving me. Won’t you.” His hand snaked out to rub Kaidan’s thigh.

          Kaidan couldn’t lie. He loved this, even though it was somehow awful at the same time. He supposed that made him some kind of masochist. “Do it, John,” he whispered, and now he was turned on despite himself.

          “Mmm. As you wish, Major.”

          Shepard wasted no time. He wanted it now, and he’d take it now. Kaidan felt the hand on his thigh sliding up towards his groin, and focused on keeping his face blank. Breathing evenly was already difficult.

          Joker came back to the table. “Five minutes and we can get our lunch and go. They have an unused reception area with couches where you can lie down.”

          “Thanks, Joker.” Kaidan’s voice was tight, but not for the reason Joker thought. John was palming him through his pants that were suddenly far too tight.

          “No problem. Do they always come on this suddenly? Seems like it happened awfully quick.”

          “Not a full migraine yet,” Kaidan assured him, even though talking was getting harder.

          “Okay…” Joker was skeptical.

          An awkward silence followed. Joker got lost in his thoughts, not wanting to talk much considering the Major was sensitive to noise at times like this, and Shepard was grinning like an idiot as he played with Kaidan under the table. He’d unzipped Kaidan’s pants and moved his hand down to slowly stroke him, skin on skin now. This was the reason he’d asked for a secluded spot against the wall. Kaidan had to fight off the urge to buck up into John’s hand. He couldn’t control himself when John touched him. Their food couldn’t get there quick enough.

          Shepard ran his thumb over the slit and Kaidan closed his eyes, swallowing. His cock was rock solid at the moment and Shepard could easily stroke him off if he wanted to. Kaidan wasn’t sure if he’d be able to hold back the noises he usually made. He’d never been a screamer before, but he definitely was now.

          Indeed, Shepard couldn’t help himself. Fucking with Joker was fun enough, but to see Kaidan come undone in public would be phenomenally hot, so much so that he wasn’t sure if he could wait until they got back to the Normandy to bend him over and fuck his brains out. He licked his lips and glanced over at his partner, eyes like those of a wild beast, and saw Kaidan tense in anticipation.

          Joker returned from his daydream and narrowed his eyes. The Major was panting, and Shepard looked downright evil. Kaidan met his eyes and he swore he saw an apology there. He shrugged and took a drink. Whatever that was about… these guys could get weird sometimes, between the way Kaidan had to deal with the migraines in public and Shepard being... well, himself.

          Then Kaidan whimpered, throwing his head back and biting down on his lip hard enough to draw blood. Several people glanced over at them but none cared enough to investigate further; after all, he’d been holding his head like he had a migraine not that long ago, and they weren’t close enough to read the movements for what they were.

          But Joker was up close and personal and he snapped his eyes over to them. Kaidan was breathing heavily and Shepard looked like the cat that got the cream... which he sort of was. Finally realizing what had happened, he sighed, shaking his head. It was depressing that he was getting used to public shenanigans from the two of them… the best humanity had to offer the galaxy, indeed.

          “I can’t believe I agreed to go to lunch with you two!” 

          “Why’s that, Joker?” Shepard asked, amused.

          “When we leave this room, you are NOT doing anything else, do you hear me?”

          Now Shepard laughed. “Uh huh, I mean I forgot Flight Lieutenant outranked Major and Commander now. Whatever will we do, Kaidan?”

          “Just get us the hell out of here. I need to clean up,” Kaidan muttered.

          The food arrived, and the waiter led them to the abandoned reception area. Joker glared at the two of them, Kaidan glared at Shepard, and Shepard just shrugged. “I’m not making any promises,” he said before either man could speak.

          Joker just threw up his hands. He was _not_ going out with these idiots ever again.

 

 3.

          John tiptoed to the bridge. Kaidan was giggling behind him, slightly buzzed despite his biotic metabolism.

          “Shh!” he hissed at Kaidan, who gave him a disbelieving stare in return.

          “Are you kidding? There’s no one around! Joker’s in bed snoring. And EDI will already know anyway!”

          EDI’s voice broke in as the door hissed shut behind them. “I am aware of everything that happens on the ship, with the exception of the requests for privacy in your own cabin, Shepard. I am also aware of why you are here.” She sounded somewhat amused.

          Kaidan blushed, even though EDI wouldn’t care. “Can you keep it a secret from Joker?”

          “If you insist I do, yes. However, I’m not sure I approve of your deception.”

          “It’s not deceiving him,” John broke in. When he realized he was whispering, his voice increased in volume. “It’ll just be… you know, omitting a few details.”

          “Omitting details is generally considered deception, Shepard, especially when it comes to one’s personal property or workstation. However, you are the Commander of this ship. Would you like me to cut audio and video to the cockpit?”

          “Yes, please, that’d be great.” His eyes were back on Kaidan now, already putting concerns of Joker and EDI from his mind. His partner was the picture of a perfect submissive right now, and heat was curling in his gut at the sight.

          A growl came from his throat, and Kaidan looked to the floor, gulping. “On your knees.”

          His partner instantly dropped. Both of them were breathing heavily with arousal. Kaidan forced himself to glance upwards, since Shepard would make him do it anyway. Just like always, he shivered as their eyes met, with apprehension and anticipation both.

          “Mmm… I’ll never get over seeing you like this, K.” The tone of John’s voice was complex, affection and the need to dominate in some strange harmony, an undertone almost like a purr. But not the purr of a housecat, no, more like the purr of something wild that has been hunted but never tamed.

          Shepard pulled Kaidan’s simple leather collar from his pocket and bent over to lovingly place it around his partner’s neck. Kaidan sighed once it was on, closing his eyes in bliss.

          Yes, the perfect submissive. Who was also his best friend and brother in arms. John had never imagined he could be this lucky.

          “You ready to defile Joker’s chair?” He couldn’t help the smirk on his face.

          Kaidan grinned in return. “Yes, sir, I am indeed.”

 

          Joker couldn’t sleep. The tossing and turning was getting old. Three nights in a row, now. Who was he, Commander Shepard? He sighed, knowing there was no way sleep would come tonight. He could always nap in the pilot’s chair if necessary; after all, they were a few days out from their next clusterfuck, comfortably cruising in FTL.

          He got up and went to relieve himself, rubbing sleep from his eyes. Then he walked towards the cockpit. There was a spring in his step now despite the late hour and lack of sleep. His baby awaited him, though technically his baby was also EDI, and he could talk to EDI anywhere. Nothing was as good as the pilot’s chair, though.

          _Why is the door locked?_ Hmm. At least he had the override codes; the cockpit was his home on the Normandy and he had to get in in case of an emergency. Other than him, Commander Shepard was the only person who knew the override code. So was the Commander in the cockpit? Maybe he needed some space. The only reason he’d need space was if his cabin wasn’t free, which meant that Kaidan must be there, which meant they were either fighting or maybe Kaidan had a migraine. It didn’t even occur to him to ask EDI.

          He walked into the worst possible scenario he could imagine. Hell, even another collector attack might be better than this.

          Kaidan was grinding down on Shepard’s lap, wearing a collar and facing back towards the door. His eyes widened as he saw Joker; they were obviously in the process of _fucking in his chair_ , and oh my god Joker didn’t know if he was going to die right there out of embarrassment or kill someone or faint from shock. He settled for an incredulous splutter.

          Shepard had started thrusting up into the man, and Kaidan, unable to help himself, was nearly shouting with pleasure. Joker knew that Shepard knew he was there, but clearly the Commander didn’t care. Poor Alenko looked embarrassed even as he started shuddering in the early throes of orgasm, biotics curling over his body like a caress.

          There was nothing he could do, other than find some heavy duty cleaner for later. This was clearly happening whether or not he wanted it. So he left with his head down, emotions whirling, to hunt down that bleach. And booze. Lots of booze.

          But EDI was going to get an earful. Big time.

 

4. 

          “Hey, uh, EDI?”

          “Yes, Jeff?”

          “I was wondering if maybe you wouldn’t mind, uh, leaving me alone for a little while?”

          “Does this involve your pornography collection in some way?”

          Joker looked at her in disbelief. “What?!” It wasn’t like he expected her not to know, but just bringing it up that casually? He’d have to explain that later.

          “I assumed you’d want privacy in order to take care of sexual matters. I am aware that you do this on your own, and I do not have a problem with it if you desire privacy.”

          He huffed. “Alright! Yes! It has to do with my… porn collection.” _Though not in the way you assume_. That thought had him a little flushed.

          “Very well, Jeff. Try not to enjoy yourself too much.” He watched as EDI- the body- left the bridge, then grumbled under his breath. Damn AI was getting just as trollish as the Commander.

          The thought of the Commander made him swallow. _I can’t believe I’m going to do this._ But he couldn’t hold back now. He’d already asked EDI to leave, and he’d feel dumb if he couldn’t go through with the plan.

          “EDI, you still there?” Silence greeted his question. Excellent.

          In spite of himself, he rubbed his hands together. Maybe exploring his sexuality wasn’t such a bad idea, after all. It wasn’t like he’d ever had a real problem with it, it just… never occurred to him to think on it much. And now that he was looking, thanks to those two assholes that ran the ship, he figured why not. After all, the Commander was hot, even a perfectly straight man could see that. And Alenko’s ass was something spectacular, too.

          He looked at the time. Perfect. 2200 was the start of Shepard’s “privacy hour,” which was really just code for “Shepard and Kaidan’s sexy fun time” and everyone on the ship knew it.

          Taking a deep breath, he thumbed off the privacy button for the captain’s cabin and pulled up the video and audio feeds. Then he sat back to enjoy the show.

**Author's Note:**

> I’m so sorry about this. I just can’t help messing around with Joker. And Shepard is such a bad boy!


End file.
